by John Schimmelphennig (not really)

With the draft for the Gainesville City League a week away, I’ve created a cheat sheet for captains looking to pick a winning team for this season. Disclaimer: I’ve compiled this list based on experience, my deep understanding of the game and the cold, hard truth.

DUSTIN TRAVAGLINI

RATING: 4 AND A HALF SCHIMMELS

DESCRIPTION: Dustin may throw almost as well as I, but I give him a meager two and half Schimmels because I have two times the experience and he has roughly half the height. Wouldn’t take him higher than the fourth round.

ADAM CARR

RATING: 4 SCHIMMELS

DESCRIPTION: Rating based solely on his long legs and arms. As long as he can catch and he’s in the end zone, draft him no earlier than the fifth round.

JOHN SCHIMMELPFENNIG

RATING: 1,000 SCHIMMELS

DESCRIPTION: I am a god. If you do not draft me first, you are a fool.

ALEK HARTZOG

RATING: N/A

DESCRIPTION: I am uncertain who this person is.

JOSH “BACON MAC” LAYTON

RATING: 3 SCHIMMELS

DESCRIPTION: His mediocre summer league play on Wednesdays might be traced to 50 cent pepperoni rolls at Gumby’s, but that is only speculation. He needs curlier hair, a law degree, and to be drafted in the fifth round.

JOSH BARKER

RATING: 2 SCHIMMELS

DESCRIPTION: The only way he could be rated higher is if we were doing Spongebob trivia or a Dragonball Z fashion show. He needs to try to model himself more after me.

AARON WASHINGTON

RATING: 3 AND A HALF SCHIMMELS

DESCRIPTION: If this were a competition based on snapbacks and swearing, you would be always win. However, it is a competition based on ultimate, and I always win.

DANNY BISHOP

RATING: 3 SCHIMMELS

DESCRIPTION: Low solid at best. I will take him more seriously if he starts going by Daniel and wears rainbow tights.

I would continue my list but it is 7:25 pm and Jeopardy starts in five minutes. I will sip my brandy and make Alex Trebek my bitch instead.