CAPTAIN’S CHEAT SHEET: ULTIMATE PLAYERS’ DRAFT STOCK
by John Schimmelphennig (not really)
With the draft for the Gainesville City League a week away, I’ve created a cheat sheet for captains looking to pick a winning team for this season. Disclaimer: I’ve compiled this list based on experience, my deep understanding of the game and the cold, hard truth.
DUSTIN TRAVAGLINI
RATING: 4 AND A HALF SCHIMMELS
DESCRIPTION: Dustin may throw almost as well as I, but I give him a meager two and half Schimmels because I have two times the experience and he has roughly half the height. Wouldn’t take him higher than the fourth round.
ADAM CARR
RATING: 4 SCHIMMELS
DESCRIPTION: Rating based solely on his long legs and arms. As long as he can catch and he’s in the end zone, draft him no earlier than the fifth round.
JOHN SCHIMMELPFENNIG
RATING: 1,000 SCHIMMELS
DESCRIPTION: I am a god. If you do not draft me first, you are a fool.
ALEK HARTZOG
RATING: N/A
DESCRIPTION: I am uncertain who this person is.
JOSH “BACON MAC” LAYTON
RATING: 3 SCHIMMELS
DESCRIPTION: His mediocre summer league play on Wednesdays might be traced to 50 cent pepperoni rolls at Gumby’s, but that is only speculation. He needs curlier hair, a law degree, and to be drafted in the fifth round.
JOSH BARKER
RATING: 2 SCHIMMELS
DESCRIPTION: The only way he could be rated higher is if we were doing Spongebob trivia or a Dragonball Z fashion show. He needs to try to model himself more after me.
AARON WASHINGTON
RATING: 3 AND A HALF SCHIMMELS
DESCRIPTION: If this were a competition based on snapbacks and swearing, you would be always win. However, it is a competition based on ultimate, and I always win.
DANNY BISHOP
RATING: 3 SCHIMMELS
DESCRIPTION: Low solid at best. I will take him more seriously if he starts going by Daniel and wears rainbow tights.
I would continue my list but it is 7:25 pm and Jeopardy starts in five minutes. I will sip my brandy and make Alex Trebek my bitch instead.
I give this article a rating of 4 schmell my balls…. and one obligatory swear word…. #gof*ckyourself
However disgruntled I may sound it still made me laugh to see Layton in the same list as Schimmel… we all know Layton is a foot note in the long and storied career of John Schimmel