Finally – a New League Article

To: My Dearest Bob Ross
From: Your Friendly Neighbor, Mr Rodgers

Hello neighbor and season’s greetings! Another season of Gainesville league has come and gone and with it another dull season. Why was it dull you ask? Well mostly because the teams that won weren’t a surprise to anyone but also because once again there were no captains’ reports or league articles (minus those stupid Schimmel articles that Alek shouldn’t even waste his time posting) and to be quite honest, that wasn’t much of a surprise either. You see no one’s been writing a damn thing for about 3 leagues, and Schimmel has been forced to write, against his better judgment, in hopes that someone would step up. I remember the good ole’ days when captains’ reports and league articles were something I would look forward to reading every week to see what hilarity they contained. I would sit under the covers of my sheets, and stay up way past bed time with my flash light, laughing at all the shots fired and the horribly true comparisons. Alas, those times seem to have passed and I’m left here in my striped sweater from grandma just reminiscing like the old man I am.

So I’ve decided to write an article on some of the known captains in league and rate them because the people deserve some reading material damn it! And I would like your honest opinion.

 

1. Greathouse-

Mr. Rodgers- Once the most feared/hated/(insert negative adjective) captain in league, Greathouse has clearly fallen from his once high throne. The only captain to ever win three leagues in a row, ever since he acquired that title he’s become a shell of his former self. Long past are the days where every team in league would cheer, “Stop Greathouse!” while secretly hoping they would be the one to topple this mighty tyrant. No, as of late, the name Greathouse is more likely to conjure up images of a man who runs league and can be found drinking into the night with his buddies; not that there is anything wrong with that mind you. With this being said though, one of Greathouse’s teams did rather well this season and if not for a poorly timed doink could have made a finals appearance. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be and Greathouse once again let greatness (see what I did there?) slip from his grasp and I won’t even talk about his 3-5 league team. The man knows how to run a team but just seems to have lost the ability to pick them.

Bob Ross – If you’re new to league you’ve probably heard the Legend of Great-House, and how little ole’ Mike House got his name. He tamed the likes of TK, Zach Floyd, Milan and walks among the oaks of great players who all show him his due respect. Week after week men bring him offerings of beer and virgins to appease him, as if he was an ancient Viking God of War. Legends of how he would weave gold out of a league draft so pure in championship pedigree that he put Rumpelstiltskin out of business. He accumulated a wealth of championships so vast and eternal that nothing compared, but as he sat in his throne room, basking in the glory of all the gold, a sickness came over him, it would be his undoing, a Dragon Sickness if you will.

Those tales seem far gone, hinting at some distant truth that once was, but is no more, like bedtime stories of boogeymen and fairies, or sermons from the pulpit about “spirit of the game” and “community”.

The silver lining (and I took a while to get here) is for something or someone to put the twinkle in Greathouse’s eyes, a new challenge everyone else deemed undoable, a new “Layton or Kirchman” young prodigies in need of guidance, or a new villain (see Alek) who must be put in their place. Something that would reignite the forges of Helms Deep, calling Thorin back to the front of Battle. Mike, your kingdom lay in disarray and your men look to you, do we retreat or do we forge ahead?

“All you need to paint is a few tools, a little instruction, and a vision in your mind…” let us all hope Mike regains his vision.

I like to think of Greathouse as the Old Man and the Sea,

“just when the old man thought that that part of his life was done, and he was in the twighlight of his years he meets his greatest adversary, and conquers him.”

 

Captain’s score- 6/10

 

2. Alek Hartzog-

Mr. Rodgers- One of the constants in league history, Alek can always be counted on to bring a decent team to the fields each season. However, he’s only been able to bring in one championship as a captain. In my not-so-expert opinion this is due to the fact that Alek relies heavily on his “sleeper” picks that he scouts out at pick up to give his team the edge. Unfortunately, these picks never quite seem to be able to bring their captain the allotted glory that he seeks. Perhaps this is due to Alek’s curse of always going in the second round, even in leagues where he could arguably go in the third but let’s be real, a league draft isn’t a true league draft if at least one of the captains isn’t getting shafted. All of this aside, Alek has done well for himself these past two seasons with his respective teams finishing first and second. Not bad if you ask me. Could we be entering the Age of the Alek?

Bob Ross – We are entering the age of Alek. Greathouse, Schooly, Showkiller, TK, Palmer, Tooke are nowhere to be found. Alek has become the new “STOP ALEK” bad boy of league. He’s one of the few people who actually care about winning and don’t care what you think about him. There are rumors whispered amongst the trees that Alek is becoming a cancer of league, but the afore-mentioned greats don’t seem to care. Honestly Alek is what Kirchman would have become if the greats weren’t there to put him in his place. Alek has become that which they have allowed him to become, with no guiding light it is no surprise he has turned to the Darkside that lurks within every leaguer. We have CVA doing a Ghandi like peaceful protest (did anyone even notice?), and Greathouse just abstaining from giving an opinion at all (I think everyone noticed).

 

The hope is that eventually more people will start caring about league, Alek has become the expected evil. Whenever there is a vacuum of divine leadership and authority something will always take its place. The evil that continues to persist is the evil we continue to tolerate. I’ll leave you with this caveat.

“The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing.”

 

Captain’s score- 7/10

 

3. Nick McGrane-

Mr. Rodgers- Oh geez. That about sums up Nick McGrane’s captaining experience. Nick’s team is always the wildcard. In my experience there has only ever been one time that I’ve seen Nick draft a team that has caused me to believe he would win league, and he didn’t even make it into A bracket that season! And yet, Nick’s teams have pulled out at least one championship. Sure, one could say it was because he co-captained with Timmy Depaul thus allowing Nick to secure one of the best players Gainesville has ever seen as his first rounder in a league that was very shallow, but the fact of the matter is that his team won the whole thing. Overall, Nick’s teams tend to finish middle of the pack with the random spike in the lower and upper finishes of league. Keep doing your thing Nick. Everyone is way too entertained by you to want you to stop.

 

Bob Ross- When God painted McGrane he mixed a little bit of greatness with a little bit of ….. of…. Inconsistency…. And then proceeded to paint outside the lines and on the back of the canvas…. And then maybe dripped a little bit on the floor. McGrane as a captain is like watching puppies play in paint, there’s no real purpose but by golly they sure are cute to watch.

“We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents”

 

Captain’s score- 5/10

 

4. Schimmel-

Mr. Rodgers- Whenever I look at Schimmel I’m reminded of Harvey Dent. For those of you who less familiar with your Batman lore (how dare you) Harvey Dent is also known as the villain, Two-Face. The irony here is not lost on me; Dent was a District Attorney while Schimmel is well on his way to being a full-fledged lawyer. However, this is just merely a coincidence. The reason this two remind me of one another is because if you’ve ever talked to Schimmel you’ve realized he has some very wise words to give about the game of Ultimate. The on-field Schimmel is cool and collected just like the business/mobster boss side of Two-Face. Then you look at Schimmel’s drafting strategies and you start to see the crazy maniacal man who has been driven insane by the loss of his loved one, or in Schimmel’s case, the loss of league championships. When I take a look at all the teams Schimmel has captained I notice a pattern; he likes to gamble. Now to him it’s maybe not gambling, but crazy people never think they’re crazy. Looking at his track record Schimmel has drafted people that are known to not try (Shiggins and Dustin) in hopes that they’ll decide to carry his team. On this front he’s batting 50% with Shiggins getting his team all the way to the finals. Then we look at DDP this past season who was only supposed to be here for half the season and miss all the playoffs. We all know how that turned out. Not only was the Depaul family here for more than half the season, they were here to bring home the gold. Do I think Schimmel will continue this trend if he captains this upcoming season? Heck yeah I do! Do to the fact that your league championship came off of a gamble, I award Schimmel a solid D-.

 

Bob Ross – Lets be honest, Schimmel is a better painter than you, and you know it. He’s that guy down the road who’s never touched an oil pastel in his life but manages to finger paint a replica of the Sistine Chapel because he got bored the other day and found some colors lying around. Schimmel is the guy that found his three primary colors of DDP, Jeremy Brenner, and Jill Kubisek, then added a dash of Neutral Colors from Jacksonville and then balanced that inexperience his expertise.

Let us hope that Schimmel keeps painting for many years to come, though most his master pieces won’t be heralded as modern works of art, they continue to inspire.

“I started painting as a hobby when I was little. I didn’t know I had that much talent because no one ever told me, but I just kept doing what I love.”

 

Captain’s Score- 8/10

 

5. Josh Layton-

Mr. Rodgers- HAHAHAHA!

Okay now that I got that out of my system I can write this. Why am I laughing you ask? Two words: THIRD PLACE! I don’t know how Josh does it. Season after season he manages to draft solid teams that always seem to crush in the regular season only to fail miserably in the playoffs. For some of his teams this has happened as early as the quarterfinals, while others have dominated their way into the finals only to blow a 4 point lead out of half and don’t get me started on this past season. Give any other first rounder the first overall 2^nd round pick and Kate Cobelens and I’m sure they’d have brought home a league champion disc at least once. But no, Layton has failed with this set up not once, not twice, but THREE times! Who cares about how well your teams do in the regular season if you can’t win in the playoffs. Ironically enough one of the two leagues where Layton’s team won they were at the 8^th spot when the quarters were played. Honestly, I can’t seem to wrap my head around this concept. It’s not like Layton drafts bad teams, or that he himself is slotted higher than he should be as a captain; for whatever reasons he’s constantly given the tools to succeed and still manages to fail. That sounds like bad captaining if I’ve ever heard it. “But Mr. Rodgers, Josh has the highest win percentage in league history, surely that counts for something.” Please. All that shows is that Layton has been lucky enough to be on teams that carried him to victory. Ever since he’s been on his own he’s been dining on failure with a side of success. Maybe next season he’ll be able to finish out the season with a championship. HA! Not likely.

 

Bob Ross- Mr Rodgers, you sound like you have a vendetta against the poor lad. I urge you to seek some therapeutic counseling for your latent anger. Perhaps some water colors should do the trick. Let’s paint a gentle stream, instead of a raging salty ocean. Close your eyes and try and envision the final product, what your painting will become, not what it is, the possibilities are endless. You hear that? The gurgling of the water as it presses gently against that stone? Do you hear Mr. Bird chirping in the tree singing a soft melody, ooooh, well let’s just make that a flower now…. See? Now isn’t that pretty?

Layton is a good player. Not a good leader. His teams are pretty worthless without a strong consistent leader to take the reins. You see every beginning painter makes the same mistakes, they grip their brush ever so tightly and press ever so firmly. Trying to paint the landscape instead of letting the landscape paint itself. One game he’s this, next game he’s that, you can tell whether he’s winning or losing when you go to his field; you don’t even have to ask because its written all over his face. In his honest attempts to will his team to greatness he mistakes being the best player with the imposition to be the most vocal player, but my dear understudy, it is better to be seen than heard.

“Wash the brush. Beat the devil out of it.”

He’s like the branches of a tree without a strong trunk to hold them up. Where is the cute little bird going to rest his wings after a long hard day if there’s no branches to hold him up. Or when the wind blows what’s going to hold those little branches in place? Every great team Layton has ever been on has had someone else as the leader. The less talking he has to do in between points (which would be a blessing for both teams) the better his teams do. Honestly Layton should hang up the Captain’s cleats if he ever wants to win again, let someone else pick him 1^st round, and then spend all his efforts making the other players on his team better, without ever uttering an instructive word.

“Now then, let’s come right down in here and put some nice big strong arms on these trees. Tree needs an arm too. It’ll hold up the weight of the forest if we make it strong enough. Little bird now has a place to rest, and there he goes, nice and soft like that….”

 

Captain’s Score- 4/10