The Sour Age
May 21, 2012
Skunk Ranks after Week 1 7-12
By: Jack Skunk
Let me just say that my predictions were just God-awful last week. I went a pathetic 2-4, and unlike the following 6 teams, I won’t be offering any excuses. Instead, I’ll try to do better next time. Now- as I run through each team, I’ll throw in a question, ‘cause that’s how you write real good-like.
“Who owns the soul of Silver?”
7. All My Best Friends <3 (Silver, 0-1). Nick McGrane’s team lost as I predicted, and yet, I now feel somewhat foolish for placing them so high. The question, you see, is now crystal clear: who will drive this team? TK or Nick’s actual best friends? Now, I ask this because I want to look at some history: Clockwork (Phil Nassoiy) was TK’s team in the playoffs. Beast Mode (Lee Raney) was TK’s team UNTIL the playoffs. Shot at the Top (Schimm’s team) was TK’s from start to finish, as was Hammers a Comin’ (Pip/Yoz). So, short of some sort of cataclysmic battle, AMBF3 will be a TK joint as well, which means that Moses is about to take this crew on a nice little walk through the desert. I hope you brought comfortable shoes, Colin!
“How much effort will Josh put into coaching up his scrubs?”
8. Bro Tip (Navy, 0-1). I also feel a little silly for having such high expectations for Bro Tip. Josh- once he locked in Derulo and Brice- figured that all he had to do was show up and be showered with rose petals from the adoring fans as he walked away with a league championship. Unfortunately though, it’s easier for Florida to get to Nationals than for a league captain to get to the Championship Finals. Now, mark my words: Navy is a dangerous beast. They can run that pro-style stuff, and they’ve got enough B-boys who want to impress their “betters” and will happily dump and swing—I imagine all of their journal entries consist of “Dear Diary: Josh drafted me! (Insert squeal of delight).” This brings us back to the question about how hard Josh will try to coach up his scrubs, and I think the answer is “Not very much.” And maybe it won’t matter, as long as he can convince every other team to play 3 on 3 ultimate.
“Why exactly did Pip want to re-create ‘Whitey Tighties’ from last season?’”
9. Failure is an Option (Royal, 0-1). I made up the name for Royal, since Pip has the work ethic of a 7th grader. What I do know is that Pip looked at the roster of White from last season, and decided that that was a winning recipe. Now don’t get me wrong- Fletcher and Gardiner and Touchton are all fine players; youth + speed always looks great. Still though, that experiment failed so utterly and completely that anyone who bothered to do their homework would have known better. I wonder if Pip kept nervously looking over at Yozgat, and tried to copy his answers? That would explain why he tried to take both Nick Stuart and Patrick Gettino after Yozzie had snagged them. Luckily though, Pip did acquire Allen Lu, and in that, he acquired an outstanding thrower and leader. Hopefully, with Allen’s input, Royal can rise to the ranks of mediocrity.
“Can Red recover from the loss of Bobby Ley?”
10. Sickle and Hammer (Red, 0-1). What’s really weird is that I can almost believe in Red, and here’s why: First, Scotty Tran is a seasoned captain now, and has dealt with volatility and failure, and handled both with a fair amount of grace (forfeits notwithstanding). Second, Evan Thatcher’s style of disinterested expertise will be good for the team: “What? You know that’s not a foul, right? Seriously? Ok, well I don’t care. Whatever.” Why is this good? Because, this is how Evan always is, and win or lose, Evan will be there until the bitter, dark end. It’s like a super-power. Zombies are coming through the front door? Whatever. You could have knocked. Plus, Evan will do a nice job of acting as a counter-weight to Erica Zuhr’s barely contained rage. Still, losing Bobby Ley does hurt, but at the end of the season, Red will finish about where it would have anyway: in the meaty part of the ol’ bell curve.
“Is Always Angry doomed to the basement?”
11. Always Angry (Black, 0-1). Always Angry got blown out on Friday by Purple. Now, I’m not particularly sure why the commenters on facebook swore that DK had won the draft, but clearly, he didn’t. Really old guys who can throw the disc far for turns does not a great team make. Here’s my advice: use your women. Let Kate and Tiff do a lot of the work, and instead of being a hero, consider dumping or swinging, because you know- why not? Another interesting thing that just occurred to me is that Max might have to start going down field and acting as a receiver. I know you like to rip it, boss, but come on. You’ve got nobody to throw it to and none of the other anachronisms have the peripheral vision or inclination to swing the disc for less than a thirty-yard gain. So, in answer to the question, Black will live in the basement and make a cozy little home like Gollum did in the mountains. (LoTR reference was thrown in for Tiffany and only Tiffany).
“Can Massica recover?”
12. Massica (Sky Blue, 0-1). Who would have thought that Matt Inman would be all the way down here? Let’s be honest: getting manhandled by Mike Taylor’s Zach-less, KJ-less squad is embarrassing. Now certainly, I’m sure that Matt would point out (rather reasonably) that he was missing the Switzers and Corey McCall. The reality is that the season is far from over and that Matt does have a lot of weapons. Brant is big and can cut or deal; Maureen, Jessica and Denyce are all competent and can hold their own, while KS still possesses the best arm in all of league. But, the answer to the original question (sadly) is that it doesn’t matter. Massica will recover, but they’re pretty much going to spend most of the season circling the drain- not because of morale or a lack of effort, but because they’re not very good. It’s like Matt bottled up all the suckiness from last season’s Purple and has dabbed it all over his body. That scent of failure may not be pleasant, but it is interesting!