Hey babez, ya boi Scrim is back with the weekly predictions! As of today, I’m still undefeated in the prognostication standings, so your team better totally tank on purpose if you want to trip me up. It’s a big week with a tentatively scheduled doubleheader as long as an intense LARP event doesn’t take over half of Citizen’s on Friday evening. I have to admit that I sort of liked standing around, shootin the stuff, and spectating the other day. I had the opportunity to catch up on my scouting reports and gauge just how much your team sucks and why, statistically speaking, you probably won’t be win this week’s game. Sound a little bit too pessimistic? I’m sorry, I didn’t come equipped with my gratuitous compliments and dreams of equality like my boys Skip Sayless and Skunky. There are no free lunches to be given out in the brutal world of semi-recreational ultimate frisbee leagues. I give it to you real, I give it to you hard…I give it to you real hard. Scrimshaw is a simple and flawless man, but above all, he is as comprehensive as a standardized test. Always remember: I know more than half of you twice as well as I would like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. To the games, you lazy treehuggers!
Carolina (Inman) v Black (Kahn)
These hackjobs are the dark-green slime of SL2012′s that collects on the metal of a boat’s once bright propellors. Currently holding steady at 11th and 12th, these two teams stink more than a bag of buttholes, but since the field is level for once, it should make for one hell of a game. The Skydols had their all-stars together for the first time last week and lost to the talentless Communists of Red! At least Carolina Blue wants to compete though. Black, apparently, will never ever have their shit together for the entire season so I’ve lost all hope for them to win a single game after they got their barn doors blown off by a talentless Orange. I started the season thoroughly impressed by their noteworthy albeit one dimensional roster. I’ve given them excuses for the opening month but last week’s loss was a sassy slap right to Scrim’s slackjawed grill. They seem content to show up whenever they want and use league as a mere suggestion for an optional Friday night activity. McCall and Swiss will be throwing long and totally destroying the intimidating ‘defense’ that Always Angry is known for while AA gossips about their cleverly named SSG team while eschewing things like effort and running. Speedy, Schimmelpfennig, and Horacek supply the Skydols with the teamwork and intensity to win the Showcase, 11-9.
Maroon (Greathouse) v Royal (Morris)
The Great Horse will be mounting his majestic mule and lead the Strategists to battle against Morris and the Royal Follow Throughs. Will Pip catch Mike unawares and busy drawing up plays for the Caution Horses? Will Justin Fletcher refuse to change his shirt since gosh darnit he’ll wear whatever color he wants? Will Lee Bowman continue to get hacked and harassed as he makes plays like it’s his freakin job? Yes to all three! And would you guys stop making fun of Mike’s new prescription handwear? Jeez, I’ve heard about enough. Due to his non-stop equestrian activities, Mike is forced to wear construction gloves on his hands in order to protect the chafing from his caution donkey’s reins. He’s only looking out for his health, guys. The big names from both teams will probably be in attendance, but my guess is that Royal cares a whole lot more. League vets like the Scrim know that it’s never cool to play hard the eve before a big tourney–only bad things can happen. The Australian Strategy will be lethargic, get rolled, and Mike will say, “Who cares? My Caution Horses are the ____-seeded team at Sunshine State Games.” Allen Lu stays sexy as hell and Jake Cravey will bring some intensity that not even the Aris brothers and Alek the Enforcer can match. Royal sucks just a widdle baby bit less than Maroon and wins 11-8.
Navy (Hurwitz) v Red (Tran)
Has anyone seen Bro-Tip play besides me? All they do is pass it back and forth between Hurwitz and Silverman! That is their entire offense! There is no deep threat either throwing or receiving. It is absolutely inexcusable for Navy to win another game prior to the return of Roberto Humberto LaTravius Brice. But this is Hammer and Sickle we’re talking about here…not exactly a quality opponent. They had a completely improbable victory last week against the Skydols. It didn’t make any sense, but I guess some of those scrubs can maybe play sometimes. Thatcher has to switch that safety off and start shooting the place up whether they face man or zone. No one can stop Vogt deep, Nguy is the new Asian Tom Wilkey, and MoMo and Prete need to capitalize on their matchup advantages. I’m a huge fan of Mo Squared. That girl plays like she just downed an espresso and lays out like cray cray. The ragtag bunch of Communists just doesn’t have the personnel to match up with this two man show, but Evan and Anthony will make them work for every reset. Okay, I already told you Navy wouldn’t win before the return of Brice but you know what, you gotta crawl befo’ you balllllllllll. Bro-Tip doesn’t have to complain about fouls this time as they win 11-6.
Purple (Terza) v Orange (Taylor)
Which undefeated team is gonna take a swift kick to the touch-hole? How far can Cathy and JoJo carry a team of malcontents? And when will we see the fraud that is Dark Side 3 exposed for the sad sack of throwers that they really are? Say what you want about Orange (and I always do), but Taylor gets his players to the field every week (see the solidarity and common mindset of evil Decepticons plotting to take over the world) and they’re always willing to run. Hell, their biggest asset is having Burkhardt and Abbott and I don’t even know if they’ve had them both at a game at the same time yet. I’m pretty sure the key to success lies in Sean Jones throwing 7 yard hammers. If Orange does this, victory is theirs for the taking. Gordon, Walker, Holden ‘Harry Potter’ Bruce, and Taylor have to step up and own the middle of the field. The Terzas will be annoying, rabid, and just might dive through your knees on their way to a gratuitous bid but Mike Taylor should still be open all day long. Who am I kidding? I’ve always been a huge fan of Purple and this is the week that they get to expose Orange. Their women have enough experience to neutralize the threats, and they will retain enough of a general athletic advantage to work the disc around. Zach’s offensive prowess won’t be quite enough to move Heaven (Bennett) and Earth (Chandler) and the Purpitrators win a HOTLY contested affair 11-9. My bet is on my boy Adam Carr to spike the winning goal on Lyle Brenner’s arthritic ankles bt dubs.
Vegas Gold (Falk) v Forest (Nassoiy)
More undefeated teams? I LOVE THESE GAMES!!! Fresh off his move to a new domicile, will Chris Falk have enough time to strategize for the Forest juggernaut? Will his back be hurting from moving boxes and will this affect his jump throws? What is the over/under on the number of hackneyed ‘step up’ emails that Phil sends to his team this week? (2.5) Will Michelle continue to be the best/most valuable/great attendance third round pick ever? Oh, sorry. I forgot about Mr. Third Round Pick himself. (For those of you who don’t know, a THIRD ROUND PICK is someone who is drafted before everyone else in the 4th round or below. It also means he might possibly be better than you. If you’re confused, just ask him and he will be delighted to illuminate you.) Alright enough talking about Jim Martinez already-back to the analysis. Where was Mr. Vannoy last week and how did they win without him? He was probably busy eating his monthly meal, but that is beside the point. SFASGG won because they are just that good. Forest is a deep team with uber-dominant women and a collection of throwers that get along sometimes. Vegas is a team with enough height and athleticism to give any team fits (Colby, Brasher, Forrestel, Vesga, Brasher), but these smarties also knows who butters the bread… DDP, thats who! No one on SFASGG can match up with Dan and he’ll have his way with the entire Forest defensive unit by the time this thing is over. Nassoiy’s team will make it close, but I think Vegas Gold is full of people who know their limitations and roles as players-from the top down. Vegas wins by a few, but it’s alright since Phil has to run home and process all the orders for the Hot N Sweaty beer cooler for a weekend at SSG. You guys want to pick up Scrim too? I’m bringing Brodie. Green could make it closer if they give Darns the green light and send Wright/Ward deep, but Whack Sack still wins 11-7. Chris Falk is 4-0 and the Heat will lose to the geriatric Celtics, what the heck is going on here?
Silver (McGrane) v White (Yozgat)
Ah so apparently THIS is the week when Nick Stuart comes to town. Yeah, I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was 11 years old so I don’t fall for these fantastic jokes anymore. You made my prediction look bad last week, Y-Gat! Of course I would have predicted you getting annihilated if I had only known, but now I will choose not to believe you anymore. Similarly, Silver has disappointed from the opening of training camp. I do believe that they will recover by the playoffs, but right now they are lost and abused souls wandering naked through the Hunger Games arena. Y-Gat may have a fighting chance only because McGrane’s team has scattered to the four winds–Jizzy, Jerzey, Jackie, where have you all gone, my sweets? Jill and TK have already hired a babysitter to come to Citizen’s since they have to play EVERY point and this week there are rumors of Mr. Biscuits being signed up to nurse on the sidelines. You better prime the pumps, big guy. If Stuart is indeed there, then Ted will be stoked for this match up. Gesticulations, animations, talks of circle stacks and zones with no cups….this might be a fun game, but it probably won’t. Stuart won’t show, Nelen will get locked down like a South Florida cannibal, and Duckett will continue looking like the cutest little baby boy in the history of the world. Has White won a game yet? Let me check the standings. Yes they have! They are 1-2 and their name is Frosted Flicks. That’s so cutesy. I should pin that on my Pinterest page right now, except I’m not a girl so I don’t do that type of crap. I eat raw meat and fix cars that leak with oil and grease and kick ass like Steve McQueen. Anyway, both of these teams have had some problems with females coming out to play, so I say whoever has the most ladies will win!!!! Kirchman, Lemons, and Gettino will run really really hard and catch and D things, but I choose Silver to win 11-5. Have fun at SSG Mr. Biscuits, and thanks for the invite you unscrupulous hobgoblin.