The Sour Age
Skunk Rankings 7-12
June 21, 2012
By: Jack Skunk
We’re seven games in, and we have exactly six teams that have no chance. I feel a little bad, since this article will be like making fun of a kid who looks funny and has no friends. On the plus side though, I won’t be able to hear any of them as they softly sob into their pillows tonight. Let’s go.
7. Always Angry (Black, 2-5). DK’s black shirts win the seven spot, but it’s only because the Czar says I’m not allowed to have 4 teams tie for 10th place. The only thing I like about AA is that they play with some effort. DK has embraced his persona as an extraordinarily perturbed individual, so good for you. My only disappointment is that Dan gets an F for spirit. You get a win and you’re too good to write a captain’s report? Sounds like the cool kids on your team are rubbing off on you. How’s the world look from Mount Olympus, there, big guy? At the least, I’d have expected Ragsdale to step up… That’s a double-bonus disappointment.
8. Unprotected Hucking (Royal, 3-4). UH is a good acronym for this team. I imagine their huddles consist of half-formed circles with various people saying “Uh.. so, now what?” And Pip responds with an inspired shrug as Lee Bowman encourages his mates to call non-existent fouls and travels. I’m sure Royal would be in the hunt for a championship if Gardiner weren’t hurt and if Allen Lu got the green-light for thumbers. I dunno. Have you guys tried sending Fletcher deep? You have? Um.. do you have any other ideas? None, eh? Well, carry on.
9. Frosted Flicks (White, 3-4). There always seems to be one unhappy ship in the fleet, and it’s the Frosted Flicks who get that honor for SL-12. There’s grumbling in the wardroom, with accusatory whispers and as the entire crew questions their captain’s sanity. All the while, though, Matt Yozgat is playing the role of Captain Queeg, obsessively rolling ball-berrings in his hand, reliving his glory of strawberries while the likes of Nick Stuart lose faith. But on the plus side, Yozgat is safe: as long as they’re not playing in the midst of a raging typhoon, there’s a reasonable chance that the entire team won’t mutiny. You better tighten up, son.
10. Bro Tip (Navy, 1-6). Bro Tip is a fine team and if the amazing Rob Brice can manage to return, then maybe they’ll be good. Now, the reason Hurwitz gets such a high spot is that though terrible, Navy is a happy team. I love teams that come out and take their beatings like a man. Of course, Sockwell and Silverman can only do so much. They need support, and Navy would probably be well served if more than 8 people ever showed up. But eh: whatever. League is about playing ultimate, win or lose. Besides, only one team can win it all, so there’s virtually no difference between 2nd and last.
11. False Skydols (Carolina, 0-7). The Skydols are winless, but I’m giving them a promotion because of that whole “effort” thing. K-Swiss is a believer in his system, and at some point, it just might work. If Carolina is in a hole, you need to huck to mount the come back with quick points. If Carolina is in the lead, you need to huck to keep the enemy on their heels. If the game is close, then you need to huck so that you can either get a quick score or make the other team go the length of the field. Here is what I’m saying: Huck it.
12. Australian Strategy (Maroon, 2-5). Great-horse and the Australian Strategy are beyond done. A league win last season and a second place finish at SSSG has effectively quashed all of the Lieutenant’s ambition. Between players not showing and horrible, ill-advised play, the Australian Strategy is well on its way to being one of the worst teams in the history of league- we’re talking a “Panda Express” level of incompetence. Maybe Tim and Allee will show, or maybe they won’t. Either way, Maroon is drawing dead, which is to say that there is now a karmic balance to the universe.
Predictions will come out tomorrow.